reddieredred's Xanga

broken

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 19:42:25 GMT

Yeah..
So my super bravado hype died down when I got home today.
I'm so disgusted and disappointed with myself.
I broke my own promise.
Fuck me.
It's ok, because I had my cry and I'm over and done with it!

Anyways..tonight, went to Christiaans bday drink...boring...he's quite a boring kid.. I spent the whole night speaking to James about sex toys.
Came home and had a little breakdown. blabla. I'm fine again.
Shaun is a sweety. I'm glad I can speak to him about some things...makes me smile

The realization...

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 11:54:57 GMT

So I had a realization today.
I'm finally ready to let go.
The feeling is amazing!
This whole drama I have in my life? I can finally end it.
I sat here for 10 minutes smiling to myself...wondering why I didn't realize it earlier and saved myself all the pain and sorrow that I've been feeling for such a long time.
By releasing myself, I can avoid the jealousy, the uncertainty and insecurities that I've had in such a long time!
Ending this thing once and for all could possibly make me feel as great as I've never felt before.
Wow.
There's absolutely no point fighting for it. Whatever comes, comes and well, if it doesn't...fuck that, I'll just move on.
*laughs to myself*
I hope she has a great life ahead of her and whatever makes her happy.
I'll find my happiness with someone else!
There's plenty of people around me, I should just open my eyes. God knows it's been closed for such a long time!
It'd definitely time to find me something real and reachable!

We're fine, we're fun. As friends.
And I love you. But. As my friend.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 06:09:48 GMT

What a rough weekend!
Well..Not really..but I think regurgitating back up what I drank counts as rough ok?!?!?!
So lets recap what I did this weekend..
Friday night was QC's 2nd bday bash at partyhouse..But before that I met up with Kelly and went with her to her friends birthday...yeah..wasn't that fun, then we went to go pick up a friend of hers where we had a pleasant conversation. Honestly, i think that girl has some issues she needs to sort out and well..yeah...I'm there as her friend to listen and nod and agree and insert a "THAT BITCH" once in a while.
Anyways...went back to the bday area where I picked my car and went to partyhouse and she went to capellos cos there was another party, but she'd go to partyhouse later on..
I got to partyhouse..saw a bunch of people. hug hug kiss kiss.
Drank one too many and landed on the couch with my head hanging against the armrest. Luckily I had some really nice friends there sitting with me asking if i was okay and stuff...ohhhhhh....I felt stuff coming up my throat..so what do I do without making a mess on the floor because I was too intoxicated to walk to the bathroom...I grabbed the nearest empty glass and fill it right up..and another.
Yeah..well..after that I felt a million and one times better...but goddamn! I regretted only one thing that night...
I SHOULD OF TAKEN PHOTOS! ERGH...I didn't take any photos..i'm a little sad because of that :(
I also remembered why getting completely trashed is not a good idea. And the fact that I have to drive home with my virtually non talking passenger was HORRIBLE which resorted me to singing at the top of my lungs on the way back.
So I got home at 4..woke up at 8 to go with Jarred to play Action Cricket but guess what? As luck would have it, they tell me there's actually enough girls and well, I can just wait around and take turns. I was happy enough because that meant in my hungover state, I could just stand there and stare blankly into space.
Anyways, left around 10:30 cos it was pretty pointless for me to be there. Got home, rested a bit and went to fetch Jennifer cos we planned to eat Japanese at Daruma. Yum.
Had an incredible chilled Saturday night, chilled with Jeandre.
Had work on sunday and met up with Bobby at night for drinks and dinner.
TADA.
My weekend.
How...interesting.
Anyways...some thoughts.
I have a crush on someone else. But I shouldn't. We're friends. And that's the way it's meant to be.
So I should brush it off and move on with my life.

Another thing. Xenophobia is pathetic. Pathetic. Turning on each other and being ungrateful. WTF?..

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 09:21:33 GMT

Is it really necessary to put in a title?
I think it's silly... what if my mind is blank for the day and I don't feel like putting a title?
Right... no title.. leave it blank.
What a bunch of rambles.

So like today I had a realisation with what I want to do with my life.
I'd like to go into advertisement industry.
I've got some pretty good ideas with certain brands and well..I'm going to start working towards reaching that goal.
I decided...I think I will start studying again...get my degree so I can seem qualified for a job that I want.

Anyhooo..its thursday today.. time has been flying by sooooo fast. Tomorrow is friday and it's time for partaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. weeee woo weee woooo
Tomorrow is Partyhouse and apparently now Saturday is action cricket..and lunch with Jennifer. Jennifer..Haven't seen her in ages..I do miss her. Heck I haven't seen many people in ages but life still goes on right? Sometimes one just has to let go.
I'm treating her to Daruma. yum japanese food.
Then yeah..I think my weekend will end there.
Next week I'll be spending it with Ryan! Haven't seen him in over 2 months I think and I also miss that mofo. We will go missioning. Like good ol' days. Just me and him.

So there's this song that someone dedicated to me..
It's by Sum 41 and it's called "With me"...yes..with me.. not with you.
and here's some of the lines from the song and it goes something like this..

" I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I wait here forever just to , to see you smile
Cos it's true I'm nothing without you
Through it all , I made my mistakes I stumble and fall but I mean these words

I want you to know with everything I won't let this go
These words are my heart ands soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know
As I bleed my heart out to show and I won't let go"

What a beautiful song.
And to have someone so beautiful dedicate it to me...makes my heart ache.

The greatness of my return!

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 11:00:41 GMT

Okay..So it's not THAT great...but I haven't touched this thing in over a year and a half.
It's time to start to burden all you lovely readers out there and clue you up on what I've been up to.
I'm sitting at the golf range..yes..I'm sitting here permanently now..until the end of October I think and it's been shitty... Luckily I have this super awesome laptop that keeps me company all day but even so, sometimes I just want to throw up all over it because apparently it's not good for your eyes..OH WELL.
I quit varsity last year, couldn't handle my degree*shudders* It sucks right? But I'm no quitter..I'm planning to register at Unisa in July to start a new degree..I'm having second thoughts about it..about studying...but I have to do this, not just for myself but for my parents too. (BTW, I'm listening to Peter Bjorn and John...Fuck but they suck.)
Anyways...back to me.
Public Relations...yes? Yeah I think it's more ME.

As for my love life. It's complicated..I'm not quite sure what to make of it... I'm completely smittened with someone, but I can't have that person. Why? Because that person is too far away from me. I have that person mentally..not physically so that kills me inside. So badly that we had to cut things off and wait.... Wait till the person comes back to SA. OH THE STORY OF MY LIFE....
My inability to like someone in the same country..heck..in the same city even. Maybe I'm able to..but my eyes have been shut and excluded everyone ..every potential... Now now..not saying I'm popular or anything insane like that but yeah...you know what I mean.

I've excluded myself from a lot of people... People from my past who I still want to hang out with but right now, I'm unable to, because we just have such separate and different lives that it coincides. It won't work. It's not like they won't understand, but more like... certain people shouldn't know. Not now anyways. Am I rambling? Yes I probably am, but isn't that what this blog is all about?
I've taken up smoking too. I know it's nothing good to announce but you want to know about me right? Sure..so yes..I smoke. It passes time. I enjoy it. It calms me down. You only live once anyways so why not just enjoy the once in a lifetime experience? I don't plan to die old anyways...old as in artheritis-kind-of-old. I'll just live my life to the fullest as I can and see what I can make out of it.

So this is my first blog since Oct 2006.
i'll be back for more!!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 09:54:27 GMT

COOL...so on a HAPPIER note..lets see what i've done this weekend..
hmm...friday night..i can't really recall what i did..i know i did SOMETHING..but what...oh yeah i went to the golf course..hehe i remember..that really sucked.
SATURDAY morning,i met up with raymond to buy maggies present...
it was a joined present with andy as well..so we had to get her something worthwhile....damn it was difficult..but in the end we got her this GUESS perfume package thingy..it was really nice..i wish i got that..HAHA..anyways..so yeah..i came home...chatted a bit and then started prepping for the night..
whew i looked pretty if i say so myself:P....
got there and realised how overdressed i was...SHIT..
Robert looked like a street homeboy.seriously dude....her invitation said "SMART CASUAL" for a reason...doesnt mean u can just put on some sweater with dirty stains and basketball shoes.retard...as if i care if u can't get into monsoon.SERVES U RIGHT.
anyways..so dinner began and we had our starters...it was thie salmon crepe thingy. both andys didn't like smoke salmon so they pushed it onto my plate..yippeee more for me..
hehehe..then maggie said a speech..was quite touching,but then it started sounding real depressing which wasn't really doing too good for the mood.
YEah then main was served..OK so it wasn't SERVED..but it was a buffet type ...there was chicken,gammon,veggies,salad,soup..bla bla..enough to be full..i didn't have too much though cos it wasn't THAT appealing..HAHAHa..atleast it didn't give me a bad tummyache so that's cool!
ANYWAYS...after main..there was dessert which maggie cut her cake and everyone sang for her...bla blabla....was alright...
then we went to monsoon...oh but it wasn't the easiest trip believe me..
1.went to jens house to change
2.went to uni to fetch/meet jarred cos he didn't know where jens house was.
3.went to alices house to pick her up
4.waited at the engen for 15mins outside alices cos she wasn't even home yet!!!!
5.waited another 10mins for alive to actually sneak out.
6.went to monsoon finally.
7.arrived there around 12:15am
8.saw a whole bunch of people outside cos the hostess wouldn't let them in with their sneaker shoes.
9.oh looky i kind of know the hostess and she remembers my face.lol
10. started talking to the hostess and tried to coax her into letting the guys in..
11..she wont budge..but she told me she gets off at 1am and that after that,the guys can go in...cool
12. oh her name is lindsey btw.
13. chit chatted and she gave me 10 complimentry friday vouchers for the club.HOORAY
14. she asked her manager and the manager said that she could let the guys in.LOL...it was 1am anyways....said good by to her and off we went inside.
dance,drank,dance,drank.
wobbled out at 3:45am. went to grab a hotdog to eat and off we went...
15.dropped alice home.
16.dropped jennifers bag off at raymonds at 4:25am
17.got home at 4:30am..tried to set the alarm and my dads face appeared..OH SHIT.HAHAHHAHA
.....woke up aroun 7:10am to go to the golf course.....oh kill me pleasseee....
came home at 9pm..cos them fuckers couldn't pick the balls fast enough...grrr...got home all grumpy cos i was hungry and mom was tuning me about the pc.
GRrrrrr...
yeah.
TADA..story of my life.
hopefully this week friday i can go to monsoon with some people!!!!
YAaaaaaa

i'm a slacker

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 09:38:33 GMT

OK so i've totally been slacking off..
whether it be BLOG-wise,WORK-wise,ASSIGNMENT-wise...fuck...everything basically..
I;m going to start falling into depression cos of disappointing people so much...ERGHh...i have no idea why i can not motivate myself to do work..Maybe i'm not meant to be studying..maybe i'm meant to be out there..doing other stuff..All this talk is just taboo..cos i kno my parents want me to graduate and get a degree...I REALLY want to grant them that wish..but i just don't kno if i can continue with studies..
Something happened today with my aunt and her family..nothing life threatening if u are wondering..but something that changed my whole point of view on certain things..
blood is NOT thicker than water.
Even your own relatives can turn their backs on u and leave u estranged and alone. One little misunderstanding can cause a person to completely turn their backs on u as if u've never known them before. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?....
and for that motha fucker to judge and belittle other people disgusts me.
How can he still bring old things up and use it against me?..GREAT..so i threw away an apple(which i cant remember) when i was young after taking a bite of it...so i wasted.big whoop.i can't even remember it...maybe the apple was shitty.maybe it was rotten. SUE ME FOR THROWING THE APPLE AWAY. and i STILL remember when i broke a plate and u made me stand by the wall for punishment.I WAS 6 yrs old u fuckhead,there was no need to scold me and shout at me just cos i broke a friggin plate...TALK about influencing me. (OH...it's not my dad that im talking about. compare this so-called relative to my father....my father is great and i realise how much i love him to bits)
ANYWAYS...seriously..and u would think blood is thicker than water.

i decided to write 2 blogs today cos this is my ranting one..LOL

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 21:42:38 GMT

SO firstly..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SANCHIA...
i'm talking to u right now..so i dun think there's much to write..heehee..oh who am i kidding..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY pumpkin.you're not that old..you're going to age well and live well..and im so glad i met u..the C-word has def come to use throughout the course of our friendship.HEEHehe

right so i haven't written much about my own bday..cos..i dunno..i've been lazy..and to be honest.i can't remember MUCH of it..AHHAha...so it was my 21stbday on the 9th oct and i celebrated on the 7th.had about 60 people over..wooopydoodaday....got some kick ass presents.LOVE U ALL..but most importantly..i got to spend time with people that i care alot about..and thanks to all that came and helped out.I LOVE U guys uber much.
ok im tired.nites.too much too much on my mind..RAWrrrr

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 21:13:39 GMT

OK..i'm not going to write much.
just wanted to say a few things before i'm off to bed.
SANCHIA,had a great time with u last weekend..thanks for introducing me to ur friends<3...they're really cool..hope they thought i was ok too and wasn't too dorky..HEeHEe..AND U!!BETTER FEED ME NEXT TIME!:P
HAAHHAHA..i'm kidding..i <3 youu pumpkin..
Right..this whole week zoomed by..in a way i wanted it to come faster and in a way i want it to slow down..i dunno..im stubborn that way..
MY bday party this saturday.YAY.but there is soo much things to do before my party.lets hope i wont pass out before 9pm on saturday.HAHAHA
I'm going to try dodge all the drinking..HAHA..weee..ANYWAYS.
NITES

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 20:58:30 GMT

Right..so TODAY i went with jarred to watch "Click" with Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsale(though she doesn't talk alot sice her american accent kind of sucks)..and wow..it wasn't some slapstick comedy. it was actually meaningful,and it teaches us lessons in life.
i mean..i dunno, for us human beings,memory is the only thing that can keep us alive,spiritually, and without memories,we are basically an empty shell(which in the movie,Sandler referred to as "auto pilot"),imagine life just passing by without us even paying attention to it,and in return, one misses out on the most amazing things that can happen in your life.
Thank God there's nothing in this world like that "universal remote" or our lives would truly be turned upside-down...(ok and i admit,i nearly cried in it..)
..........
OK ANYWAYS,jarred then dropped me home and i had dinner,then i went to pick him up again and we went to this pool place called "players"...it was fun.Jarred kind of sucks in pool...but we managed to beat these other teams,4times.HEHEEH..oh.kelly,kc,geo,shirley,will,amy and a few was there. i was busy sending my bday party smses...felt bit rude,but i had to do it sooner or later..
OH YES..i got a surprise sms from...MICHAEL!...MICHAEL!?i was like..WHOS THIS!...and it's michael..peipei's ex.i was super surprised.i actually wonder where he got my number from..HMmm anyways..so he asked if i wanted to go braai tomoro..i dunno.i kind of want to go,but then my dad mightt crap on me for going out constantly.ERGHhh..he is a cutie though.
oh yeah..i didn't get that promo job!$#)^$#4..F*CKFACE..But im still gonna go visit pumpkin and prob stay for a night!and we gonna go boycott the promo girls and bum them with anime questions!"OH WHATS COSPLAY,WHATS HENTAI"..WAHHAhaha oh fun fun.