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| Yeah..
So my super bravado hype died down when I got home today.
I'm so disgusted and disappointed with myself.
I broke my own promise.
Fuck me.
It's ok, because I had my cry and I'm over and done with it!
Anyways..tonight, went to Christiaans bday drink...boring...he's quite a boring kid.. I spent the whole night speaking to James about sex toys.
Came home and had a little breakdown. blabla. I'm fine again.
Shaun is a sweety. I'm glad I can speak to him about some things...makes me smile
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| So I had a realization today.
I'm finally ready to let go.
The feeling is amazing!
This whole drama I have in my life? I can finally end it.
I sat here for 10 minutes smiling to myself...wondering why I didn't realize it earlier and saved myself all the pain and sorrow that I've been feeling for such a long time.
By releasing myself, I can avoid the jealousy, the uncertainty and insecurities that I've had in such a long time!
Ending this thing once and for all could possibly make me feel as great as I've never felt before.
Wow.
There's absolutely no point fighting for it. Whatever comes, comes and well, if it doesn't...fuck that, I'll just move on.
*laughs to myself*
I hope she has a great life ahead of her and whatever makes her happy.
I'll find my happiness with someone else!
There's plenty of people around me, I should just open my eyes. God knows it's been closed for such a long time!
It'd definitely time to find me something real and reachable!
We're fine, we're fun. As friends.
And I love you. But. As my friend.
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| What a rough weekend!
Well..Not really..but I think regurgitating back up what I drank counts as rough ok?!?!?!
So lets recap what I did this weekend..
Friday night was QC's 2nd bday bash at partyhouse..But before that I met up with Kelly and went with her to her friends birthday...yeah..wasn't that fun, then we went to go pick up a friend of hers where we had a pleasant conversation. Honestly, i think that girl has some issues she needs to sort out and well..yeah...I'm there as her friend to listen and nod and agree and insert a "THAT BITCH" once in a while.
Anyways...went back to the bday area where I picked my car and went to partyhouse and she went to capellos cos there was another party, but she'd go to partyhouse later on..
I got to partyhouse..saw a bunch of people. hug hug kiss kiss.
Drank one too many and landed on the couch with my head hanging against the armrest. Luckily I had some really nice friends there sitting with me asking if i was okay and stuff...ohhhhhh....I felt stuff coming up my throat..so what do I do without making a mess on the floor because I was too intoxicated to walk to the bathroom...I grabbed the nearest empty glass and fill it right up..and another.
Yeah..well..after that I felt a million and one times better...but goddamn! I regretted only one thing that night...
I SHOULD OF TAKEN PHOTOS! ERGH...I didn't take any photos..i'm a little sad because of that :(
I also remembered why getting completely trashed is not a good idea. And the fact that I have to drive home with my virtually non talking passenger was HORRIBLE which resorted me to singing at the top of my lungs on the way back.
So I got home at 4..woke up at 8 to go with Jarred to play Action Cricket but guess what? As luck would have it, they tell me there's actually enough girls and well, I can just wait around and take turns. I was happy enough because that meant in my hungover state, I could just stand there and stare blankly into space.
Anyways, left around 10:30 cos it was pretty pointless for me to be there. Got home, rested a bit and went to fetch Jennifer cos we planned to eat Japanese at Daruma. Yum.
Had an incredible chilled Saturday night, chilled with Jeandre.
Had work on sunday and met up with Bobby at night for drinks and dinner.
TADA.
My weekend.
How...interesting.
Anyways...some thoughts.
I have a crush on someone else. But I shouldn't. We're friends. And that's the way it's meant to be.
So I should brush it off and move on with my life.
Another thing. Xenophobia is pathetic. Pathetic. Turning on each other and being ungrateful. WTF?..
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| Is it really necessary to put in a title?
I think it's silly... what if my mind is blank for the day and I don't feel like putting a title?
Right... no title.. leave it blank.
What a bunch of rambles.
So like today I had a realisation with what I want to do with my life.
I'd like to go into advertisement industry.
I've got some pretty good ideas with certain brands and well..I'm going to start working towards reaching that goal.
I decided...I think I will start studying again...get my degree so I can seem qualified for a job that I want.
Anyhooo..its thursday today.. time has been flying by sooooo fast. Tomorrow is friday and it's time for partaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. weeee woo weee woooo
Tomorrow is Partyhouse and apparently now Saturday is action cricket..and lunch with Jennifer. Jennifer..Haven't seen her in ages..I do miss her. Heck I haven't seen many people in ages but life still goes on right? Sometimes one just has to let go.
I'm treating her to Daruma. yum japanese food.
Then yeah..I think my weekend will end there.
Next week I'll be spending it with Ryan! Haven't seen him in over 2 months I think and I also miss that mofo. We will go missioning. Like good ol' days. Just me and him.
So there's this song that someone dedicated to me..
It's by Sum 41 and it's called "With me"...yes..with me.. not with you.
and here's some of the lines from the song and it goes something like this..
" I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everything's nothing without you
I wait here forever just to , to see you smile
Cos it's true I'm nothing without you
Through it all , I made my mistakes I stumble and fall but I mean these words
I want you to know with everything I won't let this go
These words are my heart ands soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know
As I bleed my heart out to show and I won't let go"
What a beautiful song.
And to have someone so beautiful dedicate it to me...makes my heart ache.
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| Okay..So it's not THAT great...but I haven't touched this thing in over a year and a half.
It's time to start to burden all you lovely readers out there and clue you up on what I've been up to.
I'm sitting at the golf range..yes..I'm sitting here permanently now..until the end of October I think and it's been shitty... Luckily I have this super awesome laptop that keeps me company all day but even so, sometimes I just want to throw up all over it because apparently it's not good for your eyes..OH WELL.
I quit varsity last year, couldn't handle my degree*shudders* It sucks right? But I'm no quitter..I'm planning to register at Unisa in July to start a new degree..I'm having second thoughts about it..about studying...but I have to do this, not just for myself but for my parents too. (BTW, I'm listening to Peter Bjorn and John...Fuck but they suck.)
Anyways...back to me.
Public Relations...yes? Yeah I think it's more ME.
As for my love life. It's complicated..I'm not quite sure what to make of it... I'm completely smittened with someone, but I can't have that person. Why? Because that person is too far away from me. I have that person mentally..not physically so that kills me inside. So badly that we had to cut things off and wait.... Wait till the person comes back to SA. OH THE STORY OF MY LIFE....
My inability to like someone in the same country..heck..in the same city even. Maybe I'm able to..but my eyes have been shut and excluded everyone ..every potential... Now now..not saying I'm popular or anything insane like that but yeah...you know what I mean.
I've excluded myself from a lot of people... People from my past who I still want to hang out with but right now, I'm unable to, because we just have such separate and different lives that it coincides. It won't work. It's not like they won't understand, but more like... certain people shouldn't know. Not now anyways. Am I rambling? Yes I probably am, but isn't that what this blog is all about?
I've taken up smoking too. I know it's nothing good to announce but you want to know about me right? Sure..so yes..I smoke. It passes time. I enjoy it. It calms me down. You only live once anyways so why not just enjoy the once in a lifetime experience? I don't plan to die old anyways...old as in artheritis-kind-of-old. I'll just live my life to the fullest as I can and see what I can make out of it.
So this is my first blog since Oct 2006.
i'll be back for more!!
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